Inspected or Not?

I live in a state which requires vehicle owners to get an annual comprehensive safety inspection. For instance, the certified inspector checks your headlights, blinkers, wipers, horn, brakes, mirrors, etc. If your vehicle is between two and twenty-four years old then you must also have an emissions test which has different testing methods depending on the county your vehicle is registered in. If you fail the inspection for any reason, you are still required by law to pay the inspecting station the fee, and then have fifteen days to repair the problem(s) and return to the original inspection station for one free reinspection.

If you have concluded that I need to get my vehicle inspected then you win the kewpie doll. I went to a local shop this evening that does inspections and they had me park my vehicle outside the service bay behind a truck getting an oil change. My wife gets out and I'm taking Baby out of her car seat and a service person asks me for my proof of insurance and the keys, which I give him. I put Baby in her stroller and we're standing outside the door to the waiting area when the person returns and says he is ready to ring me up. My wife takes the stroller while I go inside and pay the inspection fee. He says I'm ready to go and I take a look at my vehicle and another person is already applying the new inspection sticker. I walk outside, tell my wife to get in, and I proceed to put Baby back into her car seat. The inspection took all of ten minutes.

I have been driving in this state for many, many, years, and I've *never* had an inspection that only took ten minutes. This station did not inspect anything nor did they perform the emissions test. Yet they passed my vehicle and I'm good for another year. Come on, the least they could have done was toot my horn.

Brain Matter

After many nights of thoughtful analysis, I’ve come to the conclusion that the size of a person’s head is in no way correlated to the measure of their intelligence. For example:

• Elmer Fudd - Bugs Bunny
• Sylvester - Tweety
• Wile E. Coyote - Roadrunner
• Beavis - Butthead
• Homer Simpson - Bart Simpson
• Philip J. Fry - Turanga Leela
• Kramer - Jerry

Some may argue that these aren't real people at all, and I would have to agree, but you get my point. Perhaps you can come up with some *real* examples.

Sunday Morning Television

I was watching an infomercial this morning and it kind of scared me. The guy was saying that most people were carrying around inside them about four to twenty-two pounds of undigested food and waste. The latter was caked onto your digestive tract, along with toxins, and prevented your body from absorbing needed nutrients as well as clogging your digestive system. According to the maker, this leads to a poochy gut, weight gain, irregular bowel movements, fatigue, and could eventually kill you. He mentioned a factoid about the actor John Wayne’s autopsy report stating that he had over forty pounds of undigested matter clogged in his digestive system and alluded that this contributed to his death.

But if you bought his all natural cleansing system you would be on the road to better health, two or three bowel movements a day, and a longer, more active life. He almost had me scared enough to buy this stuff, but at the last second I decided that the money would be better spent on a set of Ginsu knives and some Smartware silicone bakeware made with Temperflex silicone.

Bad Dream

I had a really bad dream last night. My wife and I were at some sort of County Fair and we were walking along the Midway. There was a game where you had to toss small rocks onto an even smaller ledge and try to get the rock to stay on that ledge. If you succeeded then you could win a prize such as spiders, snakes, cockroaches, and other various creepy crawley things. My wife insisted that I play even though I explained that these games were to the operator's advantage and the chance of winning was slim.

As I was about to toss my first rock, the person next to me threw their rock and it bounced off the ledge. The rock hit a small aquarium that then exploded and lots of things started coming out of it. I looked down and from under the plastic covering the front of the booth comes this giant, black and yellow salamander about two feet long. It starts to climb up my leg as I fall backwards trying to get it off of me. I'm yelling to my wife to help but I'm really occupied trying to hold this slimey thing, with beady black eyes and flicking tongue, back and has now advanced up to my chest. I start screaming and look over to my wife and to my disbelief, she is trying to capture the moment on her cell phone camera, shouting at me to smile. That's when I woke up and realized that I must have been screaming/yelling out loud because my wife was awake and asking me if I had had a bad dream.

I wonder what brought me to dream about that?

Checkout Confusion

I was in Sam’s Club last night and as usual there were a lot of people waiting in line to checkout. Almost all registers were running so I can’t complain about that, but I wouldn’t be blogging about this visit unless there was something to comment about.

I was in line at the next to last register and the last register has a sign displayed that reads “Flatbeds Only”. Of course there isn’t a line of people there so some tried to checkout there with full carts of product. The clerk politely told them ‘sorry, flatbeds only’ and the customers would grumpily go to another line. Then a man comes up with a flatbed loaded with stuff and starts to checkout. Soon after, a Sam’s employee, with a cart of products, looks at the long lines and proceeds to stand in line at the last register. Then an elderly man with a loaded cart pulls up behind the Sam’s employee. That’s when the clerk tells him ‘sorry, ten items or less’ and the sad faced elderly man pulls up behind me. After the Sam’s employee pays and leaves, there is no line whatsoever so a woman comes up with a cart loaded with goods. She is told politely that this line is for flatbeds only and must go to another checkout line.

My gripe is that there should be some consistency in the checkout line rules. It seemed the clerk was just making up excuses to turn people away from his line and also showed favoritism to the off-duty employee by allowing his cart. I came to the conclusion that he was just a young slacker that didn’t know the meaning of customer service. What a jerk.

Going Bananas

Today is going to be one of those effing days. It ended bad yesterday and started bad this morning. The Man is making me insane. Sometimes I feel just like the guy in those CareerBuilder commercials. Maybe it’s time for me to really start searching…


For a Zookeeper to round up these damn monkeys.

Snapper: Day of the Faint Clouds -- 7

Another nice picture from Okadavinci.

Snapper: Day of the Faint Clouds -- 7

Google Mail

Last Saturday, I received an email from Amazon informing me that my order had shipped. The email gives you all the pertinent information including a tracking number. Yes, I was being miserly and chose the free shipping option which enabled Amazon to pick the least expensive way (and slowest) to ship my order...the United States Postal Service. Anyway, I just noticed that Gmail put a link on the right to track my specific USPS tracking number mentioned in the email. Very useful and clever. I guess I didn't notice it before because that's where Google normally puts its relevant text ads. All this would be perfect if the USPS tracking site updated its information in real time instead of every evening. Is that asking too much?

I Need Answers

1. Is Blue from Blue's Clues a male or female dog?
2. Why is Elmo so ticklish?
3. Would Big Bird taste like chicken if you cooked him?
4. Whatever happened to Electra Woman & Dyna Girl?
5. What really happened in Pee-Wee's Playhouse?
6. How do I find the Land of the Lost?
7. What the hell is Pokemon?
8. How can I meet Richie Rich?
9. Did Josie & the Pussycats ever get back from outer space?
10. Was Scooby's Laff-a-Lympics rigged?

Sunday

I've watched way too much football today. But Baby likes watching the games with me. Later we are going to watch a Seinfeld rerun if she doesn't fall asleep first. Baby really likes Kramer.

Chili Dog Diet

I've decided to take the advice I have been seeing on those Wienerschnitzel commercials. I'm going to try their chili dog diet and see if it will do anything for me. They say all you have to do is eat a chili dog and wash it down with a soda everyday. They don't say anything about the chili cheese fries but since they show it in the commercial I think it's ok to eat that, too. I wonder if I should order a diet soda or regular? I'll stick with diet. Man, this is going to be great. Eat your heart out, Jared!

Garbage Disposal

I read that there is an estimated 5500 tons (more than 9,000 pieces of space debris measuring 4 inches or larger) of space junk orbiting the earth at this moment, all leftovers from previous space missions. Supposedly not a threat to current manned space shuttle missions or the space station because the junk is in a higher orbit, but the debris could pose a hazard to commercial and research vessels. I wonder who is ultimately responsible for cleaning up this mess? Will NASA become the agency that will take the roll of interstellar garbage man? I doubt it, but then again, it might just be profitable.

Waste management and disposal is a billion dollar industry right now but sometime in the near future we are not going to have any place left to put all the garbage generated by the masses. On Earth that is. So I propose developing giant, inexpensive containers that can be launched into orbit, and then pushed by the space shuttle towards the Sun to be incinerated. This would take care of humankind’s mounting garbage and pollution issues as well as creating a secondary lifecycle for the space shuttle fleet. I bet we could even dispose of nuclear waste and other hazardous materials in this way. Just think, the few space agencies in the world could work together and pretty much monopolize the interstellar garbage industry, and since every country on Earth would be depending on them, everyone would have to get along or else risk wallowing in their own garbage. War would be a thing of the past and there would finally be peace for everyone!

Or maybe not.

Big Ideas From Homeland

This is the way I see it. If an American Citizen is planning on leaving the country they should be prepared to present a U.S. passport to re-enter the country. I don't think it really matters whether you are crossing a land border into Canada or Mexico only to do some sightseeing or shopping, or traveling by air or sea to England for a vacation. You are leaving the U.S. and entering a *foreign* country. You should have a U.S. passport to prove your citizenship to an official of that country as well as to an official of the U.S. when returning. At this time most land ports of entry don't require you to show any form of identification if you declare yourself to be a U.S. citizen. And if they should ask for identification a driver's license will suffice for now.

The big stink is that a lot of people along the northern and southern borders cannot afford to get a passport and are making a big fuss. At least for me, $100 for a passport which is valid for ten years is not going to set me back. I consider it a bargain. Perhaps the Department of Homeland Security should look into offering passports that are valid for one or two years at a discounted price instead of coming up with a brand new form of identification such as PASS (People Access Security Service) for $50. I just think all these new ideas on how best to protect our borders is getting out of hand and frankly, some are ridiculously vacuous.

Conspiracy Theory

Does anyone else find it strange that a little over a year ago there were only one or two types of Hybrid cars on the market and now, just about every manufacturer has them? Back then there were supposedly so many negative issues for Hybrids such as lack of engine power and short battery run times. But now, all of a sudden, those aren’t major issues anymore for any of the manufacturers. I can’t believe that all the auto companies came up with breakthroughs overnight when development lead times are years in that industry.

Well, here’s the answer...Conspiracy! I believe that the Auto Makers were involved in a secret pact with the Federal Government and Oil Companies to keep Hybrid cars under developed and only available on a limited special order basis. Oil Companies in turn gave the manufacturers and the government kickbacks for keeping this technology from the world. Just think what would happen to the Oil Companies if everyone owned Hybrids and the demand for gasoline plummeted. And after the Congressional hearings on gas prices after hurricane Katrina, I think everyone was left with doubts about the sincerity of the oil tycoons and the Feds gave the go ahead to the car manufacturers to start rolling out Hybrids. The tax incentives given to buyers of Hybrid cars are probably being paid from a milk fund of kickback money.

But then again, this theory is full of holes…

Let's Rumble

If Jack Bauer from Fox’s 24 got into a fight with Angus MacGyver from ABC’s MacGyver, who do you think would win? Jack has been trained to kill and is proficient in the use of small arms and edged weapons. MacGyver is a non-violent sort but he’s a pretty sharp cookie. My money is on Jack if the confrontation occurs rapidly under normal circumstances. I would have to go with MacGyver if each of them had to put together a weapon using only the resources available in the refrigerator. I guess it would be more interesting if the two of them joined forces to rid the world of evil. Who needs Batman when we have these two?

Project

I gave someone a project to do today and when I later did a followup I realized she had not even started it. I of course needed information from that project before the end of the day and that was explained to her when I first approached her although she denies it. Now I'm screwed. Ok, I'm not really screwed because the VP did say to get back with him today *or* tomorrow. It's going to end up being tomorrow but it could have been completed today.

I'm not the sort who likes to stand over someone looking over their shoulder or constantly calling them to see how they are progressing. Maybe I need to change my management style. I'm going to wait until tomorrow before I get this person in my office because I'm a little too irritated to deal with it now. Tomorrow when I'm calm and collected, I'll read her a page from the Doctrine of Tom and hope she understands that this will never happen again.

24 Season 5

I waited eight months and so far it seems the wait was worth it. The first two hours of Jack's day kept me on the edge of my seat. Jack is back and he has a bone to pick. My only gripe so far is that some of my favorite characters are now dead. Maybe Kim will be on that list, too. And please don't torture Chloe.

Dilemma

If millions of people had *faith* in the Easter Bunny, would it make him any more real? Let's say that historians had tons of historical documents and memoirs (gospels) that recounted the life and travels of the Easter Bunny. Let's take it another step and say that there were groups of people who organized a system of rules (doctrines) so that they could live their lives in a way that reflected the life and values of the Easter Bunny all so they could achieve a final goal...Everlasting (endless supply) colored eggs to eat. Now over the years these groups would develop, let's say, a Bunny Theology and a foundation of belief in order to rationalize the existence of man in this great universe and what their relationship is with the Easter Bunny. Would any of this make him real?

White Listed

It seems one of Blogger’s bots recently flagged my blog as a spam blog so I had to fill out the word verification box every time I posted. That has since been remedied by a human who verified that my blog was indeed just a plain old ordinary blog. Here's their nice email:

Hello,

Your blog has been reviewed, verified, and white listed so that it will no
longer appear as potential spam. If you sign out of Blogger and sign back in again, you should be able to post as normal. Thanks for your patience, and we apologize for any inconvenience this has caused.

Sincerely,

Blogger Support

Oh, call 1-GET-RICH-NOW to get my proven ways to win at Keno! I wish I had a bot that could do chores or something. I wonder how much a bot costs? And once I have one, what kinds of things could I get it to do? And, call 1-899-AUCTION to receive almost free notices of seized property auctions in your area! Guess I'll never know.

Fun With Constants

6.02214199 x 10 raised to the 23rd power
(I can't figure out how to do a superscript)

3.14159265...

2.718281828459045235

Kong

Idiots

I was traveling South on a local street with the intention of entering the freeway to go East. The onramp is on the right and then it goes up and over the freeway and local street, then curves to the left and descends before actually merging onto the freeway. This onramp is only one lane and goes up pretty high.

So here I am heading up the ramp with a couple of other cars in front of me, doing about 50 MPH and accelerating before merging with the freeway. Right around the apex of the ramp and just before it starts curving to the left, a guy on a sport bike flies past me on the left. That startled me since the ramp is only one lane plus a sport bike that is accelerating fast like he was roars. So I drifted slightly to the right and lo and behold there’s another sport bike passing me on the right which almost hit me. As he passes I take notice that he is also carrying a passenger on the back. By this time both bikes are passing the cars in front of me and then another sport bike passes me on the left and continues on and passing the cars in front of me. There was a lot of traffic on the freeway but all three bikes raced on weaving in and out of traffic and also in the breakdown lanes. I’m guessing they passed me and the others on the onramp doing about 65 MPH and when they got on the freeway they were doing about 80 MPH or 90 MPH.

I understand that need for speed because I’ve driven a sport bike. I took it up to 120 MPH on a country road with no traffic, with a gear to spare, before I realized that I was an idiot and slowed down. The three Jackasses from last night were not thinking of themselves or the other drivers around them and sooner or later their luck will run out.

Cough Syrups

nbc5i.com - HealthWatch - Doctors Say Over-Counter Cough Syrups Don't Help

I said this already.

Barbie

Santa brought my daughter a Barbie Primp and Polish Styling Head with Hands for Manicure ™ for Christmas. You know, the base has a large head of Barbie for applying makeup and doing the hair and hands and arms that rotate out for manicures and putting on jewelry. I of course don’t like those kinds of things but my daughter was overjoyed at receiving it. She just seemed to be annoyed at being able to rotate the head a full 360 degrees since *real* people can’t do that. The day she watches The Exorcist she’s in for a treat.

She played with that toy every chance she had in the past couple of weeks. Styling the hair, applying makeup, doing the nails. But now she’s afraid of it (which I can’t blame) and she’s got it tucked away in the corner with a plastic bag over it. I asked her what the problem was but she just said that it frightens her. I pressed for a little more information to try and find out what caused this sudden change but she would only say that she’s afraid Barbie is going to start moving under its own power. Little does she know that this is also my fear of dolls and similar toys. I tried to explain that the toy doesn’t have any legs so it would be really difficult for it to walk around but that didn’t seem to help. So for the time being, Barbie gets to remain in her purgatory but I’m sure she’ll come out to play again sooner than later. I just hope that it happens under human intervention and not something else!

Birthday Party Success

Well, Baby's birthday party went off without any problems. I counted over 110 people at one point. Dinner was good, the Piñata was a smash, and the cake was excellent. The kids enjoyed themselves because there was a lot of things they could climb and jump and slide from. I think everyone had a good time and Baby really enjoyed the attention. I video taped a lot and completely forgot to take some pictures with my phone so I could post them here. I'm getting forgetful in my old age but at least I didn't forget to buy ice. My other daughter's birthday is in April and she wants a party at a pizza place. I think that can be arranged.

Pressure

It is almost time for Baby's birthday party. In a few hours everything will be ready and the party will begin. My wife and I need to go pick up the cake and also some bread to be served for dinner. I think we need to get some more soft drinks too. I can't forget to buy ice. Do not forget to buy ice. I'm starting to sound like a hypnotist.

We are serving hot dogs for the kiddos and BBQ chicken breast, rice, and potato salad for the adults. We've got a lot of prizes for the kiddos who win various contests and they will all receive a goody bag stuffed with sweets. The Hello Kitty piñata is stuffed and ready to be beaten to pieces. Did I forget to mention the motif is Hello Kitty? Baby has a new pink dress to wear and the camcorder is charged.

I hope everything goes off without any problems or issues. This is a happy occasion and there's no time for problems today. Well, let's see how it goes.

Hypnotism

Does hypnotism really work? Can a Hypnotist really get you to quit smoking or looking at smut? Is a licensed Hypnotist better or more qualified that an unlicensed one? I don’t know but there are lots of people who swear by the practice and recommend their personal Hypnotist to others. That makes me wonder why they need to keep returning for more sessions. Maybe they are being programmed to keep returning so they can spend more money. But I’m really more interested in whether or not a Hypnotist could influence a person to do something that would ordinarily be morally and ethically wrong in the mind of the subject. For example:

Hypnotist: “When you awaken from your trance you will wait exactly five days and then rob the local bank and return here with all the money. You will then leave the money in the garage and return home to your family where you will take a long bubble bath. When you are done you won’t remember anything about the heist or the money drop and continue on with your boring life. Oh, and you won’t have the urge to smoke anymore”.

I mean how else could a Hypnotist pay his mortgage and other bills? I would never go to a Hypnotist for fear of something like the situation above happening or even worse, perhaps opening a psychic portal deep in my unconscious that would allow me to see dead people or something along that line. That would be too creepy for me.

Funny $$$

Alright, I was in *that* store again where I always seem to have to wait so long in line to check out and a woman was paying for her stuff, which totaled around $24.00, in cash and the $5.00 bill she used was counterfeit. The checker noticed the bill looked funny and kept holding it up to the light to find the little strip inside but couldn’t find it. She didn’t have one of those detector pens so she goes to find a manager. When she returns she tells the woman the bill is fake and gives it back to her. The woman gives the checker a different $5.00 bill and is off on her merry way after receiving change.

What I want to know is when does a store call the police when someone tries to pass counterfeit money? What criteria do they use to make that decision? I’ve heard on the news or read in the paper many times that people have been arrested for trying to pass fake money. Most recently it was a couple of juveniles who used a computer and high-end color printer to print a fake twenty dollar bill which they tried to use at a convenience store. The police were called and the boys were taken into custody. Does the denomination of the bill have something to do with it?

And what happens if you receive a counterfeit bill in change from some store or from your bank, since I’ve heard even banks get fooled occasionally, and then you go off to another store and try to use that fake bill and they decide to call the police? How do you try to defend yourself in a situation like that?

Me:” Well, Officer, I just got that Twenty from the ATM down the street”.

Cop:” Sure, whatever you say. You can explain it to the Judge”.

When I receive change (bills and coins) I don’t really examine it at all unless I think I’ve been shorted. That’s how I ended up with a few Canadian coins in my pocket. So how do you make others believe that it’s all a big mistake and that you didn’t intentionally try to pass funny money? Maybe I’m just being paranoid but it could happen.

Come Home Kitty

I’m coming to the realization that our cat Napoleon might not be returning home. It’s been ten days since anyone has seen him. We went out tonight and put up flyers with his picture and offered a reward for his return. I don’t know if this kind of thing ever works but I know having more eyes looking for him can’t hurt. I just hope nothing bad has happened to him. I’ve never lost a pet that just walked away from home (except my parakeet but of course he didn’t “walk” away) and I feel bad that this happened. I haven’t given up hope yet and I’m waiting for someone to call and say they found him or he will just show up at the door. It’s time to come home, Napoleon. Please…

We the Snake

Hey, does anyone have $250,000 I could have? The reason I ask is because I read that the World Aquarium in St. Louis is selling their four foot long, two-headed albino rat snake. They’re selling the snake on eBay and the opening bid is $150,000. I figure a quarter of a million dollars might do it but I’m not prepared to spend any more than that. Sure the snake is already 6 ½ years old but the experts say it should live another ten to fifteen years. I think it would be a really cool conversation piece. I just wonder if one head ever gets upset with the other one and what would happen if it decided to eat it.

Bowl Game

I was watching the classic AT&T Cotton Bowl pitting Texas Tech against Alabama and thought it was a pretty good game. The score was tied in the fourth quarter with 5 seconds left on the clock and Bama was going to attempt a 45 yard field goal. I was on the edge of my seat and watched the snap, the kick, and...what the hell? I can't remember if I've ever seen an uglier kick. The ball didn't have any arc to it. It was a line drive ball spinning end over end and just barely made it over the cross bar. Alabama beats Texas Tech 13-10. It wasn't pretty but it won the game. I guess that's what matters in the end.

Hello 2006

Happy New Year!